I suppose a problem with writing every day for a month about my life is that I'm still openly grieving Lyss so some of the posts may be about that. As grief is a weird human thing, and as time moves on, grief affects us differently. I had a great weekend, but tonight on my way home from the gym, I was overcome with sorrow. I haven't read the letter Lyss wrote in a bit and I guess I kinda started to make progress in that I wasn't constantly thinking about her every single day.
Last night with some of my closest friends, I saw my favorite artists – Odesza – in concert. Their music speaks to me on an almost spiritual level and I knew going into it I was going to have a hard time missing Lyss the entire time. All of the feelings I've felt these last two months were encapsulated into the 2-hour set but the icing on it all came afterward when we went to a bar in Cincinnati after the concert. I ordered a round and the bartender – her name was Lindsay – looked at me and immediately asked if I was Alyssa's little brother before comping the drinks for me. I didn't recognize her but I was stricken with a combination of pride and sadness; pride because this was another example of Alyssa touching somebody's life that I never knew about, but sadness because these instances remind me that the only new memories I'll ever create with my sister will always be in recognition of her absence. (Also, Lindsay told me Lyss would've loved the blonde hair and you can be damn sure I almost started crying right when she said that. We took the picture below.)
It was harder than just the fact that Odesza's music has been a crucial part of my life over the last year. Though I only DJ and haven't done any producing, Lyss knew how badly I wanted to get into producing music. We joked a lot about how she was going to be my personal stylist when I started touring and I'd always tell her I couldn't wait until she came to Coachella with me when I performed. Seeing Odesza in concert magnified all of these overwhelming feelings and the sorrow I feel when realizing she'll never be able to physically experience that with me, even if it just a dream.
I'm so thankful for the lives Alyssa touched, especially given the struggles she had. She could've easily decided to roll over and not use her platform in the way she did. But I'm so angry she didn't have a chance to have a normal life for a time. She loved fashion so much and I'm so pissed that she couldn't make something of that. As her brother, I was protective of her, and I wanted to use my "normalcy" and health in some way to give her a chance at a career. She encouraged me in everything I've ever done and I owe credit to her for my accomplishments. If I was going to succeed in anything, I knew she was going to be there and I wanted her to be a part of whatever project I was working on. I wish I could've helped her more.
I know I can't be too hard on myself but the last 48 hours have been a whirlwind and I'm having a bit of trouble processing it all. I had a great weekend and I guess the realization that I'm progressing in my struggles with depression and this grief, I'm having genuinely good days, and feeling hopeful is all making me feel guilty.